Cancer still just sucks. It is like a computer program that is always running on the desktop of life. Sometimes you don't see it, but you know it's there. Always running. Always present. It pops its head up from time to time and needs attention or an update, so to speak.
I am still trying to come to terms with the changes that are ahead in less then two weeks. While I know my bag won't hopefully be a permanent condition, it will be with me for at least several months. I am still scared of the surgery and the recovery. It is weird to feel so good, so strong, so capable, so high functioning, and know that on the 22nd everything will change. I will walk into the hospital "healthy" and several hours later be a train wreck for months to come. That's still a hard thought to wrap my head around. I am fearful of the changes in my body, the pain, the recovery, learning to live with a bag, another surgery before the end of the year and then a port placement and more chemo. Still a long six months ahead.
If that wasn't enough to try and wrap my head around, my professional life and job are also in a state of upheaval. The powers that be have decided to change everything around in the next four months. So the job and route I walk away from next Saturday will be completely different when I return next spring. The best case situation would be a more difficult route with longer hours for less pay. The other option will be an hourly position making $14.70 an hour. I won't know what job I will be returning to until December 18. So just another worry and stress to have floating around in my brain between surgeries.
Wow, that made me kind of tired to write all that. I hope that updates everyone on where things are tonight. I am trying to remain positive, upbeat, maintaining my sense of humor and enjoying this time with my family and friends. I am still scared, still fearful, still sad though. As my friend Aaron told me earlier this summer, do not pull tomorrow's trouble into today. So I will continue to take one day at a time. Focus on being Ryan and not allowing the dark places and dark thoughts to occupy a place in my mind. Claim truth. Love God. Love Jen. Love my children. Be thankful for the things in my life right now that are amazing blessings both big and small.
I'll update you on the battle tomorrow after our appointment with Dr. Sellers. Once again, thanks to everyone who is walking beside me and my family during this season of our lives. Your calls, texts, Facebooking, meals, support and concern mean more then you can even imagine. Thank you.
